Sweet, Sweet Blessings

I lost my job on Monday -- it's a business decision and not based on my work.  It'll be ok.  In the midst there have been plenty of mixed blessings: I had all of my Christmas shopping completed.  I only have to get 1 allergy shot vs. 4 per month - I can afford that.  Our show opens in 2 weeks - I now have time to work on items for the show.   (Buy your tickets now - Dec 9-11 - www.chapelgate.org/iawl - no pressure!)

The biggest blessing is time to go thru my storage unit to get rid of things.  This is so hard!  I have already gone thru 22 boxes of books and am getting rid of at least 10.  That's big for Debby!!

Today I was going thru a box of letters and cards I have kept over the years.  And they make me cry just thinking about them.  There are letters from my dad.  There are letters from my brothers.  There are letters from my mom.  And they just make me cry.  Seeing in writing that my dad was proud of me -- tears, even now.  Seeing fun letters from my brother wondering why I would mail his letter in the same envelope with my mom's in hopes that she wouldn't read his letter.  Silly Debby.  Letters from my parents in the midst of a job loss for my dad and their constant faith and trust in our Living active God.  Letters from another brother wondering where God will send him as he is looking to be a missionary.  Sweet, sweet letters.

My mom loves to skype so she can see what I look like.  (I told her to hold up and move around my  most recent picture to get the same effect - doesn't work as well!)  At the end of our conversation, she said, "Debby, I'm praying that God directs you in the means where you should go and that you get a great job... let's pray right now."  Sweet, sweet blessings.

On thanksgiving, one brother called to let me know that my 2 year old niece has been praying for me in my job loss.  That morning they had been reading the story about Jesus healing blind Bartimaeus.  The little one said, "Jesus help Bartimaeus, Jesus help Aunt Debby!"  Sweet, sweet moments.

What blessings in the midst of struggle to be reminded that God is in the midst, is at work, and loves his people - for they are his.

Living Right Now

I know, I know, it's quite expected that I'd be keeping track of the Tim Tebow saga going on in Denver.  Even though I'm a Gator fan and he may have graduated with my same exact major (bonded, I'm sure!), there are more than those reasons the whole situation has me intrigued.  That which fascinates me the most is his desire to just try it out.  He wants to do it his way, yet people just can't seem to be okay with it.  And that part I get. 

My mother calls me her bohemian flower child.  I go where the wind takes me and really just let life happen.  My life choices are not exactly what society would have expected.  And, for the most part, I'm okay with that.  But, I can't really seem to live in the moment.  My "going where the wind takes me" mentality is partially to let life happen with the potential for something to hit right around the corner.  I don't really like to take chances; I just don't think I have what it takes.  But, I'm a sassy, bright, colorful woman who likes people but definitely needs down time.  And being all of those makes me a bit unconventional - and sometimes I don't think it's good enough.  And I don't like that.

Tim Tebow is unconventional.  People don't always like it.  They don't like how he throws, they don't like how he slips out of the pocket, they don't like how he risks his own body for a touchdown.  And they really don't like how he lives ... with a purpose, with a focus, with a sense of calling.  With that calling he lives with a clarity of who he is.  He doesn't waver.  And all he's asking for is a chance, even if no one likes it.

A pastor friend and I were talking a few months ago about how he doesn't quite fit into the picture of what the congregation feels he should be.  His leadership is off, his presentation is quirky, his focus seems too driven.  But, that's who he is, and God placed him there for a purpose.  He is there to fulfill God's calling on his life, to complete the work that God has placed before him, no matter how long it takes, even if no one likes it.

I know a lot of high schoolers who are going to college soon, auditioning for programs this month, and are basically losing their minds in the weight that burdens their shoulders.  And to each of them, I leave this message...

You are who God made you to be: creative, bookish, a thinker, a talker, a singer, an artist, math wizard, science investigator, gentle spirit, a feisty one, a parser, a patcher, a tender heart, a brave soul - some of all or just a touch of a few ... you are exactly as you were meant to be.  And, you are right where God wanted you to be right now.  Your job today is to live this life.  You aren't making your life plans, you're living them. For the future that is in front of you is in the hands of a great, good, gracious God who knows your heart.  He knows the fears, he knows the haters, he knows the amount of terror that sets in your soul.  He knows.  And he continues to love and hold you.  So, Live. Right. Now.

When talking with my pastor friend the message was the same, people might not get it, they might not like it, you might not like it, but God put you there for a purpose.  Live that purpose and do God's work.  There's really no need to figure it all out, God has that down too.  You just do what you're called to do and live it.  Live it large. 

That's what really intrigues me about Tim Tebow - he just wants a shot to use who he is in this moment.  And he's living it.  He is living right now.  I don't know about you, but I want to live right now. 

The future is already determined.  What have we got to lose?

Joy, Joy, Joy

The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The jo-oy of the Lo-rd is my strength


You remember that song don't you? 

I think when I was a little one, the concept was a little skewed.  Something like - you gotta have joy all the time.  And that joy is only from the Lord.  Well, talk about one messed up girl when I got sad, or depressed, or frustrated.  And then what if I was too happy!?  Well, then it's not just the Lord at work over there.

As we were talking about abiding with Jesus from John 15 yesterday at church, I was struck by that one verse .... "I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy.  Yes, your joy will overflow!"  How is my joy overflowing when I'm hearing about being pruned back or disciplined?  How am I to be filled with joy when I'm told to abide with Jesus even though I just can't do it all the time!?

Sounds just like the Israelites in Nehemiah, doesn't it?  They had come back to Jerusalem, started to rebuild and they began to recount all God had done.  Nehemiah began reading the covenant laws of God.  And they started to wail.  They had royally screwed it up.  They hadn't followed, they hadn't obeyed, they had turned their backs on a loving, gracious, merciful, just God. 

They acted like we act. 

Yet, Nehemiah calls to them, "Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!"

It's not their joy.  It's not their doing.  It's not a perpetual happiness.  It's not even their emotion.  It's all God's.  He has joy over us.  He knows our name - joy.  He remembers his promises for us - joy.  He remains faithful even when we are faithless - joy.  His joy over us which causes him to sing, sing, sing for you and me -- that is our strength. 

The reality of his joy because of his work for his child in his timing with his Son and Spirit - that joy is our strength.  Our strength when we don't want to (and just can't) love well.  Our strength when we can't get up to face another day with that job.  Our strength when our spouse, loved one, roommate, friend, brother, whomever is knocking us down so much that we just want to scream.  The joy that God has for you and me is the strengthening factor with helps to know that we are loved by more than our circumstances and more than our possessions and more than our marketing value. 

We, as Christ followers, are what causes the Creator of the universe to sing. 

That's strengthening.

PROVE IT!!!

editor's note: My adventuring days are at a end it seems. I'm working, rehearsing for productions and trying to stay slightly sane. However, my ability to go off and find new things is limited. And honestly, that kept me from blogging. What adventures do I have to write about? My last trip to the copier? Not too fun. So, the blog has officially changed -- to "Story time with Debby." Kids these days love it, so we're sticking with it!

I love reality television.  Especially when it's everyday people doing amazing things: So You Think You Can Dance, Amazing Race, Survivor, and newly added, Master Chef.  Mainly because I refuse to watch the Bachelorette and nothing else is on during the summer months on a Monday at 9pm.  But, I digress.

This Monday on Master Chef they had a challenge of which Jennifer won... I'll be honest, I came in late to the show on Monday, so I can't even tell you what dish she made to win, but it doesn't matter for the story.  As her reward for the challenge she got to pick out what the special ingredient for the next task was to be.  She was also given the opportunity to either stay and cook during the next challenge or to take a glass of champagne, be safe from elimination, and watch her fellow contestants battle it out. 

After much deliberation, Jennifer decided to stay and cook again.  That means that after winning the last challenge with a great dish, she was going to put herself in potential jeopardy with a soon to be created dish.  She said she wanted to make sure she got into the top 10 by cooking and not by just sliding into the spot because she got a free ride. 

Well, guess what happened?  Her dish was crap.  She was in the bottom three and almost left the show.  The judges were so shocked at her.  Why did she give up the free ride when she had it in the bag?  Why did she feel she had to go and prove herself all over again?  Her proof was already displayed.  Instead of being ok with what was already presented on her behalf, she decided to do it all over again.

And I do that same thing every day.  As a follower of Jesus, my status is already proven.  I don't have to do more, I don't have to defend myself, I don't have to make sure my point is taken or my stance is accepted.  In Jesus all is done.  I'm acknowledged as good, my security is found in him, my worth is already established.  But, everyday I try to make sure I've done just a little more to get ... acknowledgement, recognition, acceptance, status. 

We all do it don't we?  We all want to make sure we are proven when as Christ followers we already are.

So, go.

Take a drink of champagne and realize your worth is already established and made possible by Jesus.

Praying for Baby Georgia - today and beyond

Rally Around Dying MTW Missionary Child

(COLUMBIA, SC) - June 30, 2011 - In December 2010, Georgia Goodwin, infant daughter of MTW Missionaries to England, Sam and Elizabeth Goodwin, was diagnosed with leukemia. Earlier this month, Georgia underwent a bone marrow transplant at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston. This Tuesday, results from a blood test revealed that her diseased bone marrow with its several abnormalities was resistant to the pre-transplant chemo. Consequently, her transplanted bone marrow had no place to establish itself and thus engraftment did not happen. Additionally, her leukemia is now advancing rapidly.

Further chemotherapy options have been ruled out as they can only be started at a minimum of 100 days post-transplant. Georgia would not be able to survive the toxicity of these extremely aggressive medications. Doctors have concluded that, humanly speaking, there are no treatment options—proven or experimental—for her current condition.

Tomorrow, June 30th, Georgia will be released from her current doctors’ care upon which she will return home with her family to Columbia, South Carolina. An additional event is also scheduled for tomorrow as it relates to Georgia and her family: given the critical nature of her situation, Christians around the country are uniting for a day of prayer and fasting, asking the Lord to supernaturally intervene in Georgia’s life. This includes the staff of Mission to the World and some of the Goodwins’ supporting churches. The RTS family is encouraged to participate as well.

To learn more about Georgia, her family, and her journey through leukemia, visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/georgiasimigoodwin. The family may be reached care of Mission to the World.

The internet is back!

Good afternoon, dear Readers,

Having gone for a long time (aka since my last blog post) without the internet at home, it's back. Amazing. And since I really can't blog at work - I know, trying to pretend I actually work there - we'll try again at blogging here at home.

And a brief update to the wonderful world of Debby -- maybe we need a blog name change! Will be thinking about it.

I am thinking about going back to school. And here's why: at the age of 35, I have at least 34 years until I could even think about retiring. Not that I'm the retiring type, but still. So, could I last at this job for 34 years? Doubtful. What else then? What would I like to pursue?

Now, this question really has never been one that has crossed my mind. What?! How can that be? Because I alway thought I'd be married with kids by now, and my career path would have been set ahead of me. But, alas, God has better plans and I'm holding onto that fact. Read previously posts, you'll get the picture. This whole time in Maryland, I believe, has been working me to this point -- to just let God do what he wants to do. And I'm willing to go along for the ride.

So, I'm going to try to go back to school for a doctorate in Psychology. Mind you, I'm currently taking the pre-req I missed at Florida. I still have to pass the GRE & Psych GRE. I still have to apply and be accepted. Then, if I get in, I won't start until Fall 2012. Then, I'd be in school for 5-6 years. Yeaaaa.

In the meantime, I'm still working. I'm in another production with our theatrical troupe ... May 6-8 Smokey Joe's Cafe - come see it! Young ones in my family are getting married. Trips are upcoming. And I've been hired at my church to be the Director of Hospitality (Part time for fun stuff - why not!?) Of which we are having a training class tomorrow so I should prepare. It should be an interesting year.

I hope you can see God working in my heart. To let him move and do as he chooses. For me to actually believe it. And to stop trying so hard. And to just get to living. I am bummed as my adventures are not as prevelant -- I don't have Friday's off anymore. But, will do what I can to provide you with aspects of the Debby World (please say that as you might hollar out "OUTDOOR WORLD!!!!!")

Oh, and some really cool books I've recently read:
The Help - I know, I'm behind, but it's good.
America, America - Ethan Canin - beautiful
Cutting for Stone - Abraham Verghese - I can't say enough about this book. So, so good.
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - awesome non-fiction - Rebecca Skloot

Now reading Little Bee by Chris Cleve - will keep you posted.

With that I bid you farewell.

and glasses are back

In 2007 I had lasik eye surgery. I was certain that I was done with glasses and it was good thing as in the middle of the night I had to put my clock about 1/2 inch from my eyes.

But, on Tuesday I heard new news. I had been experiencing horrid headaches, episodes of wooziness, and stuggles with my night time driving. I headed to the doctors to make sure it wasn't a tumor ... I can hear Ahnold now ... every body together, "It's not a tumor...."

And it wasn't. It's my ability to shift from long to short vision distances quickly. And it's some elevated levels of fluid in my ears. And it's the strain on my eyes.

As my doctor said, "when we get older we have to get glasses to help us see in short distances." Are you kidding me? So, the day before my 35th birthday, guess who got to go to the grocery store to purchase reading glasses for my computer work.

Back to glasses we go, and realizing that I could actually now purchase glasses for under $200. Bonus?

Are you happy?!?

That's the question I got at church this morning.  "Are you happy?" right after my new favorite answer to, "How are you?"

"I'm upright, moving, with clothes on -- things are going pretty well!"

My answer wasn't good enough.  "No, no, I mean in your job?  How is it?  Are you happy now?"

Am I  happy now?  Well, I go to work, I work, I get paid, and I try my best.  I'm doing all right. 

"Well, do you think this job is part of God's will for you?"

Wait for it -- my head exploded.  "I don't believe any of God's children can ever be out of God's will for their life, so yes, I believe this job is part of God's will for me.  A long term career, not really sure about that.  But it's where God has called me to at this point in my life.  So, yes, I think it's part of God's will for my life."

"I suppose, but I really think his will for us is to be happy."

WHAT?!?!?  "I find that he wants us to be content not really happy.  And ps. your logic doesn't make any sense."  (I did mention the logic thing.)

And here's my favorite part: "Well, if you're not happy then you're just miserable."

Can we take a moment to breathe thru the frustration?   Ok, we can continue.  "I'm sorry, but unhappy doesn't equal miserable."

"Ok, but that's not the way I see it."

With that I grabbed another half donut and went to Sunday School.  And vowed to pray for my pastor more.

As I've been pondering this post, I realize I should give some history. My mom had these same statements for us while growing up. When I heard them again my brain started reeling.

And I should have pointed my friend at church to the cross: God's will for us is to realize our need of him and that he provides a way to know him thru Jesus. That need exists at the start, middle and end of our relationship with Jesus. In the frustration, confusion, uncertainty, excitement, pain, sorrow, and all other things that might make us question God's involvement in our lives.

It's true - I don't think we can ever be out of God's will as a Christ follower. Could it seem as though we are? Sure. But then we must see the whole picture as God does, and we realize we are right where He wants us to be. That's good news.

Next week, asking God to show up -- isn't he always showing up? And aren't our eyes often closed that we miss him?

Or am I just ....

I think this has been a life long struggle --- trying to be connected to many people. 

We all know I'm a bit of a Facebook junkie.  Not in the games department, but in the posting area.  Some of my friends post witty questions.  Others post these inward examining quotes.  Another proclaims their love for electric gardening tools.  Each to their own.  I like to make people laugh.  So, I generally post something that has made me chuckle.  And as Sutton form will have it, it's a little off the wall. 

One friend asked me, "How often to do you post on Facebook?" -- a lot, my people need me!

But, the other day I realized that with my cell phone as my main FB interaction, I don't really see when people's birthdays are.  I rarely give that shout of cheer to them (mind you, those who read my blog are often those who actually get a bday post - I feel I know you better!)  And then I began to notice all the other things that I've been missing: weddings, babies, struggles, hardship.  I have to wonder, am I losing my connectivity or am I just .....

What? what is it that drives me to "go away world" and hole up in my own little existence?  What urge makes me put that one foot in front of the other almost with blinders on?  I don't think it's survival.  I think I'm just selfish.  Grievously selfish.  Selfish to the point where I wonder who I've missed in the jumble of my world.  Wondering who's heart has been crushed because of my stupidity or inward focus. 

As JPJ always says, "It's not about me, it's about Christ and His Kingdom."  And I'm letting It down.  My brother would always caution me -- "You don't need 100 friends, just a couple will do."  True, but I love have my hand in these different pots of people.  The FL's, the MD's, the Ministry, the UF's, the WA's, the RTS', all part of my world at some point in time.  But, I'm not as connect to them as I could be.  So again, am I just selfish?  Am I hurting those who need more than just a hand in a pot?  And how much do I need in the pot - from me and them?

ps. FYI - I and 2 sweet friends from my pot made about 20 batches of Rice Krispie treats to create Mickey Head lollipops to dip in chocolate last night.  That's right - 194 of those little suckers are waiting for the ravenous masses to descend upon the 2nd Annual Sweets & Songs.  They are gonna eat 'em and like it!

Just couldn't take it

It's not often that I skip church... I even try to go while on vacation.  One trip to Europe had Mom and I in Lucerne, Switzerland on a Sunday.  We went to church.  It was in German.  All I heard was Die Got -- which kinda means "The Lord" and I just thought they wanted God to die.  I know, dedicated.

But lately, Sundays have become those days.  The ones where people look at  you and say, "You're looking rough."  "It's just one of those days." 

Today was no different.  It was one of those days.  Missed Sunday School, came in time to sell the tickets for our show, sat thru 3 songs, and at the prayer got up and left.  I couldn't take it any more.  It didn't help that "Take it to the Lord in Prayer" was sung today.      

Graciously, I was selling tickets when an announcement was made about the new Children's Ministry.  I know I left that job because God wanted me to.  I know I left it because my heart just wasn't in it any longer.  I know.  But, it's still painful to hear about what they are doing.  It's hard to listen to the ideas that I might not agree with.  It's still difficult to keep a stoic face during the announcements.  Still.  But that isn't why I left the service. 

I just couldn't take it.  I went to the fishbowl of our church office to sit and let the tears flow. 

And to remind myself that even if I make a complete ass of myself, someone will find even those assinine moments enchanting.  Die Got don't make no junk.

To blog or not to blog -- such a question

It's obvious - my blogging days might be over.  I don't really want that to be the case.  But, my heart just isn't there.  It's not found its full joy.  It's not regained a real hope.  It's just not in me.

I want to blog to tell you about my fun world -- and it is fun.  From producing theatrical to hitting just about every sporting event in the past few week to finding a doctor with the name Mrs. Iwona Bangham (that name is real - honest!) all sorts of things should draw me out of this mud house I'm in.  But nothing has cracked the walls.  They are hard packed and thick.  They loom above letting little light enter.

I'm still a bottom dweller - living in my generous friend's basement.  I still like my adventures.  I miss having Friday's off.  I still hope to be married.  I still hope to be a mom -- but so many are having such struggles with their pregnancies and their kids -- I don't know if I have it in me.  The 8th grandchild of our world is to be born in December.  The 1st is getting married in May.... *sigh*

And I miss my things -- which sit in storage.

I've finally admitted to God that I just really don't know what to say to Him -- at all.  Not even heart cries come forth ... and that scares me to no end.

Take heart - I get up and work, I spend time with friends, I laugh a lot, I'm loving my co-workers, and in the midst of it all I hope they see Jesus, cause I've got nothing else to give them.

So, to blog or not to blog.  I don't know.  Of course, it might become my journal, so prepare yourself whichever end might occur.  And why, though published to the entirety of the universe, do I think only 2 people can read this? 

Contentment?

I read the following today --

Morning and Evening - Spurgeon - Feb 16

“I have learned, in whatever state I am, therewith to be content.” -- Philippians 4:11

These words show us that contentment is not a natural propensity of man. “Ill weeds grow apace.” Covetousness, discontent, and murmuring are as natural to man as thorns are to the soil. We need not sow thistles and brambles; they come up naturally enough, because they are indigenous to earth: and so, we need not teach men to complain; they complain fast enough without any education. But the precious things of the earth must be cultivated. If we would have wheat, we must plough and sow; if we want flowers, there must be the garden, and all the gardener’s care. Now, contentment is one of the flowers of heaven, and if we would have it, it must be cultivated; it will not grow in us by nature; it is the new nature alone that can produce it, and even then we must be specially careful and watchful that we maintain and cultivate the grace which God has sown in us. Paul says, “I have learned ... to be content;” as much as to say, he did not know how at one time. It cost him some pains to attain to the mystery of that great truth. No doubt he sometimes thought he had learned, and then broke down. And when at last he had attained unto it, and could say, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content,” he was an old, grey-headed man, upon the borders of the grave—a poor prisoner shut up in Nero’s dungeon at Rome. We might well be willing to endure Paul’s infirmities, and share the cold dungeon with him, if we too might by any means attain unto his good degree. Do not indulge the notion that you can be contented with learning, or learn without discipline. It is not a power that may be exercised naturally, but a science to be acquired gradually. We know this from experience. Brother, hush that murmur, natural though it be, and continue a diligent pupil in the College of Content.

Glimpses of God's grace have been invading my soul as of late.  The desire to  know Jesus to really be the name that holds more than anything, the reality that my place is where the Gospel will be found ... these have been bouncing around as this contentment talk comes up.  I've realized lately that I have been living in a "what if" mentality rather than an "Ok, what's now" thought. 

Contentment -- not just of being satisfied.  But, being willing to accept - to acquiesce.

Today I got to learn some contentment.  I got an email from a boss that stated I shouldn't have done one thing until another was fully completed.  Stupid pointless story for the focus of learning.  We've all been there -- certain we've been "unfairly" corrected.  Wanting to correct those who are teaching us.  Desiring to respond in the like: "I was gonna do that next ..."; "This was a different situation than normal ... "; "You never told me about this ... "  You get the picture.  The desire to right the wrong that's been put to us.

And just as my little fingers got to moving on the keyboard, the Spirit graciously stepped in and reminded me of a few things -- Remember Jesus?  They won't even really let him be the King he said he was.  They mocked, taunted and scorned him for the things he did and said.  They hit him, spit on him and pulled out his beard.  And he didn't do anything.  He didn't fight back, he didn't talk back, he didn't defend himself.  He acquiesced.  He was willing to accept that which was given to him.  More unfair than my email, more unjust than my correction, more difficult to accept than one sentence of text.  Beautiful.

I didn't email anything back.  I made a note to do better next time.  I moved on.  The Spirit was at work.  Beautiful.

I'm learning contentment.

Promises

On my mirror I've got a saying written with dry erase marker: "Never make God's promises into hopes or dreams -- know them as reality!" I resigned from my job in October. I knew it was what God wanted me to do. I knew it was the right decision -- so much so that when asked at an interview what major accomplishment I had done in the past 6 months I noted this decision as my piece to brag about. I really had huge amounts of peace in the midst of major uncertainty. My peace I will leave with you.

But, then I couldn't find a job. I sent out resume upon resume. People told me, "There are positions at my work - give me your resume, and I'll get you in." I gave my resume, but still nothing. No calls, no responses, no interviews, nothing. And I started to spiral. I know that the only reason I didn't go crazy was because of God's goodness. Cast all your cares upon me for I care for you. I told my small group that I felt I was in the mishmangle of redirection. I couldn't find a place to live, I couldn't figure out what I was going to do about my computer situation, I couldn't figure out how I was going to survive. Oh, and then I got a call that my back up plan of returning to Orlando was bust -- the condo was rented! The sparrows don't reap or sow, but God watches over them -- how much more does he care for you!?

So, I packed my office, I moved it all out, I resigned myself to the notion that I wouldn't have any work. And finally, during my last 2 days of work - I got an interview call. And during that meeting when asked about my weaknesses I said, "I have a problem keeping my mouth shut." Seriously, that's what I said. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. And then I waited. My job finished yet, I was back at the church finishing up some projects. That's right I went to work -getting frustrated and sad and discouraged. It was the first time throughout this whole process that I was sinking and sinking fast. Just at that moment a call came.

They called me with an offer! I started today. Never will I leave you, nor forsake you. As my sweet friend Christina said, "You were out of work for 6 days. That is amazing!" I'm working in corporate customer service. How perfect does that fit my skills?!? So, I'm packing my house -- need to downsize in many areas. Having to learn new ways to get to work. And being reminded that God was in the midst. For you Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Even those who don't always seek -- his promises are a reality.

Whiter than the snow

I love the imagery of the Psalms. Often it was the only poetry that I actually got with regards to imagery. When I see a Shakespeare movie I always pray beforehand, "God, please open my ears and mind to make sense of what they are saying. I just don't get it most of the time, and I need your help." That's truth! So it's not terribly surprising that as a Florida girl, I've never really understood what David meant when he said, "...wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." A few weeks ago it came into focus as I looked at the 20 inches of snow we got.

Winters here are gloomy. The leaves are gone. The grass is brown. The flowers are non-existent. You might see a pop of color from a bird, but most have moved southward. Brown is the predominant color. People wear dark clothes, clouds are covering more often than not, and heads are down to the ground to keep the wind off faces. There is a perpetual longing in the air for change and a hope for new growth. All wait for spring to arrive and know that they must toil through about 3 months of dreariness to get to the end. And then, a sweet surprise comes when snow falls.

Snow has this ability to cover everything. In its quiet falling it blankets the ground, the trees, the roads, the homes, the dirt, the mud, the garbage, the pain, the hurt of this world. You look out into the yard and all you see is white. Where there was once a pile of crap you see a beautiful mound of happiness. Where there was once brown grass mile after mile of new running space exist without the hassles of old messes. The gleam from the sunlight makes everything sparkle like new. And the people feel the excitement. Like kids on Christmas, the doors crack open, the sleds come out, the parents make hot cocoa, and the joy begins.

As with us and our sin -- Isaiah shares, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they will be as white as snow..." It makes sense now -- all the mess is covered. It isn't seen any longer, it doesn't create a putrid stench, it doesn't create an eyesore for all of the neighbors to see, it no longer blocks your sight with the mountain you have to climb. Instead those stains are covered in a freshness that rejuvenates us while drawing us back to the foot of the cross and reminding us of our need of a Savior for we can't make the snow fall, nor can we make ourselves clean.

I wonder if that's where I've been sitting? Trying to make the snow fall.... and falling for a false joy?

Changes

Dear Sweet friends,

I know I've not shared a whole lot in the last few months. I've been thinking about a load of things and have reached some resolution.

Don't freak out - I'm resigning from my job at Chapelgate. It's not a bad thing. I'm still hoping to stay here in Maryland, be part of this community, and to be involved in the ministry here. I just need to remove myself from ministry at this capacity.

For the past 15 years, really since my dad died, I've been trying to rediscover the joy of knowing God. Part of me died that day my dad died. The reality that my life wasn't how I thought it was to be started to crumble. I've tried to pick up the pieces - find a job with meaning, go to seminary for a ministerial job, find God in the midst of service and giving of myself. You how I do it!

I took this job here in Maryland hoping I'd realize a true joy in the midst of it all. And again, it wasn't there.

I've seen your lives and have long desired to find that inexplicable joy and peace for myself. But, it never was really there.

About a month ago, my bosses sat me down to talk about deficiencies they've seen in the ministry. And after a litany of things, they mentioned that they thought this was just a job for me and not a passion. And it's true. All of the complaints, frustrations, concerns pale in comparison of my non-passion and drive for this job. And the lack of passion/drive really comes from trying to know God in means that just don't work. For my own benefit, I really need to remove myself from "in-church" ministry.

While this is hard to write to you all -- I hate admitting to people I've got real issues -- I'm worn out from fighting against really knowing God and letting himself be known to me. The next few months, years, etc will be a challenge. Trying to find a new job, convincing people that this is the right thing to do, letting God truly invade this life he's provided - it's gonna be long. Am praying that God will just be clear. That if I'm to stay in MD I get a job here.

People here at Chapelgate have been nothing but gracious -- supportive, walking with me in the midst of it, hopeful for me and my story. Am I'm really at peace in the midst of it. I was asked to share, and did, during worship a few weeks ago. And with tears in my eyes I put it out there for the whole congregation to see this worn out soul give it up. I've have had more than a few come and say they see a lightness back in my step and a hope returning to my face.

I'm on staff until the end of the year or until I find a job - whichever comes first. I hate job searching. What an annoying task. But, God has been evident - much more than I've given him credit for in the last few years.

It's all hard, but good.

... every hour

 
I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;   
no tender voice like thine can peace afford.
I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;   
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.
I need thee, O I need thee, O I need thee; 
every hour I need thee, Lord; 
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;   
come quickly and abide, or life is vain.     

I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;    
and thy rich promises in me fulfill.  

I need thee, O I need thee, O I need thee; 
every hour I need thee, Lord; 
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee. 

I need thee every hour, most Holy One; 
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.

I need thee, O I need thee, O I need thee; 
every hour I need thee, Lord; 
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.
 

Lucky Dad

My dad died 15 years ago Saturday. It was hard. I cried a lot. I don't normally react that way, but subsequent blogs will let you know what's going on in my world to cause such emotions. Today I wanted to share some memories I have of my dad with all of you ....

When I was 3 or 4, my dad would have to trek less than a mile to get the milk at Cumberland Farms. I guess Publix wasn't always open and the Circle K wasn't there yet. So, he'd take his moped over to the store. And sometimes, he'd take me along -- standing between his legs on the platform of the moped. Driving to get the milk. Sweet! I know!

Then, as I got just a bit bigger, the moped didn't fit the fun any longer. Dad had gotten a Toyota Celica with a sunroof. To keep the fun of getting the milk, I got to ride along, standing in the front passenger seat, with my head out of the roof!!! Our very own extreme adventures. But, we got pulled over one day and that had to stop. But not the extreme stuff.

My grandparents lived 3 hours away and 30 minutes from Disney. We'd travel there to visit quite often. Once we went to visit the Magic Kingdom when the tickets were cheap and you had to purchase books of A, B, C, & D tickets. Since Dad was, how shall we say, a tightwad, he didn't want to pay for parking. Instead we parked at the Contemporary, coming in from the workers entrance (Dad helped program the Hall of Presidents at Disney in the 70s), traipsing over the sand dunes from the construction in making the walkway from the Contemporary to the park. Nothing like learning from a young age how to cut corners.

One summer we took a trip to Yellowstone National Park. We travelled via the rust colored Datsun 210 hatchback, affectionately called "The Pumpkin". Dad had set up a "luggage area" with a piece of plywood just under the lip of the backseat over the hatch. On the plywood, David or I could lay down with our pillow and blanket. On one stretch, Mom was driving, I was sleeping on the plywood and Dad was resting in the backseat. All of a sudden the trunk popped open, my pillow flew out the back and Dad had to quickly restrain me as Mom pulled over. They were a bit freaked, but I thought it was awesome! We did have to go back to get my pillow.

My dad had a wicked sense of humor. He liked puns, he liked thinking laterally, and he liked to laugh. He loved model airplanes. He would spend hours in the garage making models to fly whenever he got a chance. He loved classical music; he loved playing it really loud coming down the street home. He gave of himself by getting a job where ever he could -- Erie, PA; Plainsboro, NJ; St. Paul, MN; Jupiter, FL. He would transplant himself and let us stay in Florida while he worked elsewhere. And during the summers, we would join him.

He always protected, always made things work, always directed us to be respectful and always wanted to know God more. He provided for us, cared for us, defended us, and at times, like a good dad, embarrassed us. He had a gentle hand that would kindly pat our heads to remind us of his love. Mind you, he was firm, a disciplinarian, and someone who pushed us to reach our potential. Oh, and he loved his grandkids. They could call him Poppy, sit with him while he was reading and could get anything out of him -- even more than me being the baby and only girl.

He was a good dad. I liked him. I do miss him, but I am glad I could call him Dad. And as a sweet friend reminded, "He's up in heaven partying with the rest of them." Lucky.

There's a change in the air ....

Summer is ending. School starts in the building tomorrow. I will again hear a daily stampede of elephants about 7 times a day as students rush up and down the steps to class. I will have to close my door at 3pm just to think. I will listen in on conversations that have code words for trouble. I will stick my head into situations because someone is crying their eyes out -- there's a change in the air when the summer is over. And that change shows up in more ways than one.

Rehearsals for Christmas shows kick into gear. Can hardly believe it, but it's happening again. This weekend we had a killer show to raise money for our theatrical program. Our revue of songs were accompanied by a sucre torte, fresh fruit tartletts, assorted cookies, pound cake with fresh fruit, and chocolate cups with melba cream. It was so good. Our play list:

Magic to Do - from Pippin
Hola Lola - from Dear Edwina
Pick-a-Little/Good Night Ladies - from Music Man
What is this Feeling - from Wicked
My Philosophy - from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown
Solla Sollew - from Suessical the Musical
We Beseech Thee - from Godspell
Matchmaker - from Fiddler on the Roof
Stranger to the Rain - from Children of Eden
I'm a Woman - from Smokey Joe's Cafe
Sit Down, You're rockin' the Boat - from Guys and Dolls
Saved - from Smokey Joe's Cafe
Happiness - from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.

It was awesome! We rocked it out. But now, we've got to change our mindset to Christmas music. Change is in the air.

It was 60 degrees this morning. I'm heading up into the attic to start pulling down my scarves. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to be a hard winter. Nuts. Gratefully, even in the harshness, it won't be lonely. Friends and family are coming to visit. I'm hoping to get to O-town for a b-day visit. Mom and I are heading out on a cruise. And then to sit in the house waiting for the snow to hit. Change is in the air.

Babies are being born like weeds. The 7th grandchild in our family was born last weekend. She was born just as the 1st grandchild was starting graduate school. How crazy is that?! I was 11 when #1 was born. And here I am, 33 years old and #7 comes around. Change is in the air.

And when it comes to me -- I'm seeing definite signs of change. I'm not remembering things as well. I'm not metabolizing foods as well. I'm exercising just to have more energy! But, I'm also seeing God work in my heart more too. His grace is exuding in ways I never would have guessed. He's helping me to love, be patient, be gracious, be forgiving in areas I wouldn't imagine possible.

Change is in the air. Not so bad all the time!

Win the Jesus Storybook Bible audio

Ok, I'm a groupie.

I love Sally Lloyd-Jones' stuff. I love the Jesus Storybook Bible. I give her book as gifts. I follow her random blog. I actually have email conversations with her. And I use her book all the time with my Toddler and Preschool classes. And her Old MacNoah had an Ark is darn right funny ... "and a poopoo here and a poopoo there..." Seriously funny stuff!

Any who.... they are giving away an audio copy of the Jesus Storybook Bible! It's for bloggers to win. So, as my dear readers are often bloggers themselves, go for it!

Click here for the survey to enter.

You can paste this into your blog also:
http://fs18.formsite.com/zondervan/form475219780

Hope you win!

Christmas in July/August

Dear Friends,

While you have been away, I have been very busy. So busy in fact, that I've already been preparing for Christmas. Over the next few blog posts should you see any item that has been canned -- know it might be coming to your home during the holidays.

I have made:

6 jars of bread and butter pickle slices
7 jars of sweet pickle spears
7 jars of raspberry preserves
1 Halloween themed table runner

I might make:

blueberry preserves
peach pie filling
Quilted Christmas ornaments
Homemade bread

I will become:

sick of canning
certain I can never fully clean my kitchen
the maker of gifts extraordinaire!

Oh, and in the midst of all the above fun, I have:

fogged my house for all things disgusting and gross
had very weird dreams, one which included an actual beetle in my bed
started rehearsals for an August 29th performance, see previous posts

Nothing going on here -- just a development of slight insanity!

Merry Christmas!