Just couldn't take it

It's not often that I skip church... I even try to go while on vacation.  One trip to Europe had Mom and I in Lucerne, Switzerland on a Sunday.  We went to church.  It was in German.  All I heard was Die Got -- which kinda means "The Lord" and I just thought they wanted God to die.  I know, dedicated.

But lately, Sundays have become those days.  The ones where people look at  you and say, "You're looking rough."  "It's just one of those days." 

Today was no different.  It was one of those days.  Missed Sunday School, came in time to sell the tickets for our show, sat thru 3 songs, and at the prayer got up and left.  I couldn't take it any more.  It didn't help that "Take it to the Lord in Prayer" was sung today.      

Graciously, I was selling tickets when an announcement was made about the new Children's Ministry.  I know I left that job because God wanted me to.  I know I left it because my heart just wasn't in it any longer.  I know.  But, it's still painful to hear about what they are doing.  It's hard to listen to the ideas that I might not agree with.  It's still difficult to keep a stoic face during the announcements.  Still.  But that isn't why I left the service. 

I just couldn't take it.  I went to the fishbowl of our church office to sit and let the tears flow. 

And to remind myself that even if I make a complete ass of myself, someone will find even those assinine moments enchanting.  Die Got don't make no junk.

To blog or not to blog -- such a question

It's obvious - my blogging days might be over.  I don't really want that to be the case.  But, my heart just isn't there.  It's not found its full joy.  It's not regained a real hope.  It's just not in me.

I want to blog to tell you about my fun world -- and it is fun.  From producing theatrical to hitting just about every sporting event in the past few week to finding a doctor with the name Mrs. Iwona Bangham (that name is real - honest!) all sorts of things should draw me out of this mud house I'm in.  But nothing has cracked the walls.  They are hard packed and thick.  They loom above letting little light enter.

I'm still a bottom dweller - living in my generous friend's basement.  I still like my adventures.  I miss having Friday's off.  I still hope to be married.  I still hope to be a mom -- but so many are having such struggles with their pregnancies and their kids -- I don't know if I have it in me.  The 8th grandchild of our world is to be born in December.  The 1st is getting married in May.... *sigh*

And I miss my things -- which sit in storage.

I've finally admitted to God that I just really don't know what to say to Him -- at all.  Not even heart cries come forth ... and that scares me to no end.

Take heart - I get up and work, I spend time with friends, I laugh a lot, I'm loving my co-workers, and in the midst of it all I hope they see Jesus, cause I've got nothing else to give them.

So, to blog or not to blog.  I don't know.  Of course, it might become my journal, so prepare yourself whichever end might occur.  And why, though published to the entirety of the universe, do I think only 2 people can read this? 

Contentment?

I read the following today --

Morning and Evening - Spurgeon - Feb 16

“I have learned, in whatever state I am, therewith to be content.” -- Philippians 4:11

These words show us that contentment is not a natural propensity of man. “Ill weeds grow apace.” Covetousness, discontent, and murmuring are as natural to man as thorns are to the soil. We need not sow thistles and brambles; they come up naturally enough, because they are indigenous to earth: and so, we need not teach men to complain; they complain fast enough without any education. But the precious things of the earth must be cultivated. If we would have wheat, we must plough and sow; if we want flowers, there must be the garden, and all the gardener’s care. Now, contentment is one of the flowers of heaven, and if we would have it, it must be cultivated; it will not grow in us by nature; it is the new nature alone that can produce it, and even then we must be specially careful and watchful that we maintain and cultivate the grace which God has sown in us. Paul says, “I have learned ... to be content;” as much as to say, he did not know how at one time. It cost him some pains to attain to the mystery of that great truth. No doubt he sometimes thought he had learned, and then broke down. And when at last he had attained unto it, and could say, “I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content,” he was an old, grey-headed man, upon the borders of the grave—a poor prisoner shut up in Nero’s dungeon at Rome. We might well be willing to endure Paul’s infirmities, and share the cold dungeon with him, if we too might by any means attain unto his good degree. Do not indulge the notion that you can be contented with learning, or learn without discipline. It is not a power that may be exercised naturally, but a science to be acquired gradually. We know this from experience. Brother, hush that murmur, natural though it be, and continue a diligent pupil in the College of Content.

Glimpses of God's grace have been invading my soul as of late.  The desire to  know Jesus to really be the name that holds more than anything, the reality that my place is where the Gospel will be found ... these have been bouncing around as this contentment talk comes up.  I've realized lately that I have been living in a "what if" mentality rather than an "Ok, what's now" thought. 

Contentment -- not just of being satisfied.  But, being willing to accept - to acquiesce.

Today I got to learn some contentment.  I got an email from a boss that stated I shouldn't have done one thing until another was fully completed.  Stupid pointless story for the focus of learning.  We've all been there -- certain we've been "unfairly" corrected.  Wanting to correct those who are teaching us.  Desiring to respond in the like: "I was gonna do that next ..."; "This was a different situation than normal ... "; "You never told me about this ... "  You get the picture.  The desire to right the wrong that's been put to us.

And just as my little fingers got to moving on the keyboard, the Spirit graciously stepped in and reminded me of a few things -- Remember Jesus?  They won't even really let him be the King he said he was.  They mocked, taunted and scorned him for the things he did and said.  They hit him, spit on him and pulled out his beard.  And he didn't do anything.  He didn't fight back, he didn't talk back, he didn't defend himself.  He acquiesced.  He was willing to accept that which was given to him.  More unfair than my email, more unjust than my correction, more difficult to accept than one sentence of text.  Beautiful.

I didn't email anything back.  I made a note to do better next time.  I moved on.  The Spirit was at work.  Beautiful.

I'm learning contentment.