I know I've not shared a whole lot in the last few months. I've been thinking about a load of things and have reached some resolution.
Don't freak out - I'm resigning from my job at Chapelgate. It's not a bad thing. I'm still hoping to stay here in Maryland, be part of this community, and to be involved in the ministry here. I just need to remove myself from ministry at this capacity.
For the past 15 years, really since my dad died, I've been trying to rediscover the joy of knowing God. Part of me died that day my dad died. The reality that my life wasn't how I thought it was to be started to crumble. I've tried to pick up the pieces - find a job with meaning, go to seminary for a ministerial job, find God in the midst of service and giving of myself. You how I do it!
I took this job here in Maryland hoping I'd realize a true joy in the midst of it all. And again, it wasn't there.
I've seen your lives and have long desired to find that inexplicable joy and peace for myself. But, it never was really there.
About a month ago, my bosses sat me down to talk about deficiencies they've seen in the ministry. And after a litany of things, they mentioned that they thought this was just a job for me and not a passion. And it's true. All of the complaints, frustrations, concerns pale in comparison of my non-passion and drive for this job. And the lack of passion/drive really comes from trying to know God in means that just don't work. For my own benefit, I really need to remove myself from "in-church" ministry.
While this is hard to write to you all -- I hate admitting to people I've got real issues -- I'm worn out from fighting against really knowing God and letting himself be known to me. The next few months, years, etc will be a challenge. Trying to find a new job, convincing people that this is the right thing to do, letting God truly invade this life he's provided - it's gonna be long. Am praying that God will just be clear. That if I'm to stay in MD I get a job here.
People here at Chapelgate have been nothing but gracious -- supportive, walking with me in the midst of it, hopeful for me and my story. Am I'm really at peace in the midst of it. I was asked to share, and did, during worship a few weeks ago. And with tears in my eyes I put it out there for the whole congregation to see this worn out soul give it up. I've have had more than a few come and say they see a lightness back in my step and a hope returning to my face.
I'm on staff until the end of the year or until I find a job - whichever comes first. I hate job searching. What an annoying task. But, God has been evident - much more than I've given him credit for in the last few years.
It's all hard, but good.