Sunday, August 29, 2010

Just couldn't take it

It's not often that I skip church... I even try to go while on vacation.  One trip to Europe had Mom and I in Lucerne, Switzerland on a Sunday.  We went to church.  It was in German.  All I heard was Die Got -- which kinda means "The Lord" and I just thought they wanted God to die.  I know, dedicated.

But lately, Sundays have become those days.  The ones where people look at  you and say, "You're looking rough."  "It's just one of those days." 

Today was no different.  It was one of those days.  Missed Sunday School, came in time to sell the tickets for our show, sat thru 3 songs, and at the prayer got up and left.  I couldn't take it any more.  It didn't help that "Take it to the Lord in Prayer" was sung today.      

Graciously, I was selling tickets when an announcement was made about the new Children's Ministry.  I know I left that job because God wanted me to.  I know I left it because my heart just wasn't in it any longer.  I know.  But, it's still painful to hear about what they are doing.  It's hard to listen to the ideas that I might not agree with.  It's still difficult to keep a stoic face during the announcements.  Still.  But that isn't why I left the service. 

I just couldn't take it.  I went to the fishbowl of our church office to sit and let the tears flow. 

And to remind myself that even if I make a complete ass of myself, someone will find even those assinine moments enchanting.  Die Got don't make no junk.

Friday, August 27, 2010

To blog or not to blog -- such a question

It's obvious - my blogging days might be over.  I don't really want that to be the case.  But, my heart just isn't there.  It's not found its full joy.  It's not regained a real hope.  It's just not in me.

I want to blog to tell you about my fun world -- and it is fun.  From producing theatrical to hitting just about every sporting event in the past few week to finding a doctor with the name Mrs. Iwona Bangham (that name is real - honest!) all sorts of things should draw me out of this mud house I'm in.  But nothing has cracked the walls.  They are hard packed and thick.  They loom above letting little light enter.

I'm still a bottom dweller - living in my generous friend's basement.  I still like my adventures.  I miss having Friday's off.  I still hope to be married.  I still hope to be a mom -- but so many are having such struggles with their pregnancies and their kids -- I don't know if I have it in me.  The 8th grandchild of our world is to be born in December.  The 1st is getting married in May.... *sigh*

And I miss my things -- which sit in storage.

I've finally admitted to God that I just really don't know what to say to Him -- at all.  Not even heart cries come forth ... and that scares me to no end.

Take heart - I get up and work, I spend time with friends, I laugh a lot, I'm loving my co-workers, and in the midst of it all I hope they see Jesus, cause I've got nothing else to give them.

So, to blog or not to blog.  I don't know.  Of course, it might become my journal, so prepare yourself whichever end might occur.  And why, though published to the entirety of the universe, do I think only 2 people can read this?